Stringing Up the Lights!

The wife has always asked me "Are you going to put up Christmas lights when we have babies?" My answer has always been "NO!" I assisted my father with Christmas lights many times. It was never easy, but it was a vocabulary lesson.

Last year I heard a mention or two about Christmas lights being strung on the house. I shrugged it off and drove to the nearest house with a ton of lights to satisfy the photo optic need.

I received a call today from my lovely wife with a request to put up some lights. It just so happens that she was in the Christmas decor aisle. She began rambling about where she wants lights and the type that she was looking at. I tried to just shrug it off again, but this time I was trapped. She pulled the Charlie card. 

I could hear Charlie in the background saying "Yites! Yites!" Dang it! My son is way too smart and observant to get out of this one. If she didn't put the lights in the cart Charlie would throw a fit. Jamie knew what she was doing. She said "Charlie picked out the colorful lights. How many should I get?" Uhhhhh! "Get the icecicle lights and a few for the bushes."

The worst part about the whole light fiasco is that she wanted the lights put up today. I knew that Charlie would be on her side too. I came home from work and I was met by my child showing me the "Yites!" I just sighed.

I ate dinner, changed my clothes and headed outside. Did I mention that it was seven o'clock, dark and 30 degrees Fahrenheit? Not the ideal light hanging conditions.

I opened the lights and strung a few around the bushes. The more that I looked at it the more I realized this would require a bit of effort. Why did I not just take the hillbilly route and put them up in the summer and leave them up all year?

I grabbed the ladder, a few wire ties and of course Kentucky's number one fix-all, duct tape. I put the ladder up and my hands instantly froze. I had snot running down my face and freezing in my mustache. Fingers would not function and I didn't even have a plan yet. I felt like Clark Griswold.

I put my gloves on and taped up the unused end of the strand. Gloves and duct tape do not mix. The gloves came off to allow for a bit of dexterity. I covered the end and headed up the ladder. I threw the strand on the roof and began stringing up the lights. The neighbors sat at the stop sign for longer than normal. I can only imagine what they were saying to themselves.

I hung the icecicle lights, but they are not typical icecicles. They are strands off of strands. The strands were bundled tightly and not falling and straightening like the picture showed. I had to bend 50 strands of wire to make them resemble something hanging from the gutter. Now I know why Dad was always so colorful while hanging lights. Have you ever heard a Christian man cuss on Christmas? I would have, but my tongue was frozen to my teeth.

I reluctantly continued to work. One hand frozen to the ladder, chords everywhere and duct tape wrapped around everything. I could see Charlie's little face peering over the windowsill. He looked warm and toasty. I waved and smiled and pretended to be happy. Jamie stuck her head out of the door and said "Are you hanging the lights with duct tape." I said no, but I am going to be busted in the morning.

I completed the icecicles and Jamie bundled up Charlie to bring him out and show him the lights. Seeing that child light up brighter than the house over one strand of lights made it worth it. After that I applied a little more effort to my work. I pulled the lights off of the bushes and hung them around the window. I was securing the lights with my magical fasteners when I set the roll of tape on the ladder. I leaned forward to secure a strand and heard a rustle in the bush. I pushed my tape off of the ladder and into the middle of a holly bush. If you are not familiar, holly bushes have thorns.

Shivering and frozen I slid down the ladder and into the bush. I dug for the tape for a few minutes and finally found it. Right in the heart of the shrubbery. It was a good thing that my arm was frozen or might have experienced some pain.

I finally finished the project and was pretty proud of myself. I have a feeling that this is just the starter kit. I am sure that Charlie will want more lights next year. I might just decorate the inside of the house next year. Hopefully this is enough for a while.