Happy Mother's Day!

Today is a day to celebrate the mothers in the world. Most of us will show our appreciation to our biological mother, some will show their appreciation to their mother-in-law, others will show their appreciation to the mother figure in their life. I have one of every kind so I have a lot of appreciating to do.

It doesn't matter if a woman gave birth to you for her to be called your mother. My definition of a mother is a woman that you share a bond with that makes you feel like she could or should be called your mother. You could have another family member that raised you or you spent a lot of time with throughout your life. Maybe you stayed with a family friend as a child and that person is like a mother figure to you.

The bottom line is that we should show our appreciation for what they all do in our lives. Mothers show us love, answer our difficult questions, fix our boo-boos and mend our broken hearts. They bake us cookies, cover us in lipstick and hug us just a little too tight sometimes. They read us stories before we went to bed, taught us how to pray and always listened to our imaginative stories. They keep us safe, support our dreams and would defend us to the death.

Give your mother a hug, give her a kiss, even if she is wearing too much lipstick and tell her that you love her and appreciate her. She still might bake you some cookies even though it is her day. If she doesn't, just ask Grandma.

The Birds!

My wife is terrified of birds. I don't know if she had a bad childhood experience with a trained attack falcon or what, but it is funny to watch her freakout when a bird is near. She thinks that they are all out to get her and that they will get stuck in her hair and eat her brains or something crazy like that.

Last night she began telling me a story about the birds that have taken up residency in our grill on the back patio. She said that the bird landed on the grill and started doing something wierd. She began demonstarting the birds actions and I just about peed my pants watching her. Let me see if I can paint this picture for you. Even if you do not have the exact picture I am sure that it will still be funy.

The bird began making a motion with its neck that looked like it was about to vomit. Its beak was wide open and all of a sudden one of the birds wings stretched out slowly. Jamie thought that the bird was seizing. Now imagine your significant other acting out this dramatic re-creation of a bird sitting on a perch with their mouth wide open, neck going all crazy like they are about to vomit and their arm sticking out to their side like a wing. Make sure the elbow is slightly bent and the wrist is contorted. I am still laughing.

Jamie suddenly stops the performance and says, "What do you think it was doing?" My response was, "Regurgitating to feed the babies." She said, "I am glad that I don't have to go through all of that to feed Charlie." I thought "Me too. He would probably freak out if he had to watch the performance that you just acted out."

She continued the story and a second bird had arrived to join the first bird. The second bird began the regurgitating dance. Jamie again acted out the actions of the second bird. It was very similar to the first performance, but may have been a bit more dramatic.

Jamie was inside the house while watching the birds do thier thing, but the screen door was not enough protection from these small harmless birds. She thought to herself, "Those birds are carrying STDs, and are about to peck their way through the screen door and attack me and Charlie." After a long period of laughing I finally caught my breath. I was about to ask how the birds caught the STDs, but I just let it go. That would just start a whole other conversation.

The story continued. After the thoughts of the birds coming in to the house through the screen door and attacking her and Charlie, she had convinced herself that it was about to happen. The birds were still doing the regurgitation dance and minding their own business trying to feed their babies. Jamie ran to the door and tapped on the glass sliding door and scared the birds away. The poor baby birds are now starving.

If at first...!

This will give you an idea of the random thoughts that spin around in my head.

1-If at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again.

2-If at first SHE doesn't hear you, please repeat yourself in a loving voice. An elevated voice will make her think that you are mad and she will get mad at you for no reason.

3-If at first HE doesn't hear you, he heard you, but is acting like he didn't hoping that you will be distracted within the next few seconds and forget that you asked him to do something.

4-If at first you can't remember, just wait a few hours. It will come to you when you no longer need the information.

5-If at first you call her Princess, just wait a few years. She will start to believe that she really is a princess of your enchanted house and you will become nothing more than her servant.

6-If at first you call him Stud Muffin, he will instantly be convinced that he is built like Arnold Schwarzenegger and that every woman sees him as a stud muffin. This will continue until death and he will be sure to remind you everyday that he is the sexiest man on the face of the planet. (Warning: Women may use this tactic to their advantage. Please reference point #3.)

7-If at first it looks like fun, wait until the instructor says, "Please connect all five harness points."

8-If at first you think that you can still play sports like you did when you were in High School, just wait until tomorrow. Your body will remind you that it still has muscles. They will be sore and stiff.

9-If at first your old suit does not fit, do not force it. (Gentleman, please reference #6.)

10-If at first you did not share this blog with someone, please do it now.