31!

Gotcha! You thought that I was writing a story about frilly, foo foo, embroidered bags. Today is my 31st birthday. Time flys when you have a child and a career.

I woke up this morning to a flurry of "Happy Birthdays!" on my Facebook page. Thank you Facebook for reminding everyone that today is the day that my parents were blessed with a wonderful bundle of joy. Throughout the day my notifications piled up while I was working my butt off at my job.

I finally found two minutes to advert my attention from my computer screen to my phone. I was notified that my mother had posted a picture of me. At first glance I thought that she had accidentally posted a picture of Charlie. I had to do a double take. 

This is me on my second birthday. How cute was I? Now I have less innocence, better style and a lot less hair. It is crazy how much Charlie and I look alike at the same age. He currently has less hair than I did, but he has everything else. 

Charlie has his Mommy's cheeks and eyes, but everything else is an exact replica of Daddy. I could not deny this child if I wanted to. I hope that one day when Charlie has his own children that we can put these pictures side-by-side and see how dominant our genes are.

Other than working an extra hour this evening I had a good day. Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes. Please follow Facebook's recommendations and send me a Target gift card. Just kidding. Have a happy new year. 

The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Is On Fire!

We were enjoying the company of some friends this evening when I heard Aimee call for Jamie from the bathroom. I did not think too much of it. I heard some whispering and laughing, but still did not pay much attention. Those two girls are always up to no good.

Jamie exited the bathroom and said to me "Oh my gosh. I need to show you something." I made my way to the bathroom and looked in. I saw a few black spider webs. It looked like a mass of spiders had entered my house and made it there home. I said "Geez! I guess we need to kill some spiders."

Jamie and Aimee laughed and said "Look at the mirror." I turned to the mirror and saw this.

I exclaimed a few choice words and no one was laughing anymore. I hate candles in the first place and now they are completely banned from my house. This candle had been "burning" long enough for soot to accumulate up the wall, on the mirror and across the ceiling. The picture does not do the actual discoloring justice.

Jamie loves burning candles, but she always places them in terrible places. You do not put a five gallon candle on a shelf with 12 inch spacing. Fire hazard! You should not burn five gallon candles in a small bathroom. Fire Hazard! You do not burn candles on your kitchen table with the candle against the wall. Fire Hazard! Maybe she does not remember that I was a firefighter for 7 years?

Our kitchen wall has been burned, the shelf has been burned and our bathroom is now burned. I hope that my insurance agent is not reading this.

Unfortunately, I realized that the spider webs in the bathroom had been there. You just could not see them. Thanks to the soot, they are now in high definition. After 1,365,792 warnings, Jamie finally understands what I have been trying to tell her. 

Women and their candles. I do not get it. Maybe I should spray myself with my earth scent hunting spray. Fourteen different candle scents at one time kills my sinuses. At least earth scent just smells like dirt and dried leaves.

Jamie has agreed to not burn anymore candles. She said "I will just get some tart burners." Great! (sarcasm) I bet she will have seven of them plugged into one extension cord. Stay tuned for a post titled "Electrical Fire!"

I love my wife. She always gives me something to write about. Hopefully my next post is about something funny, not a near death experience.

No More Bink!

Charlie has been sober for about four days. Jamie and I had an intervention for him. He has a terrible addiction to pacifiers. 

For the first few hours everything was fine. He did not ask for it, look for it or seem to really notice that they were not laying around the house. The addiction was so bad that Charlie would sometimes have two "binks" in his mouth at the same time. 

We hoped that the excitement of opening presents and new toys would distract him from the need for his "fix". Everything was going great until nap time rolled around. Jamie took Charlie up to her parents bed to lay down with him for a while. It did not take long for him to realize that something was missing. Charlie laid back and relaxed, but he would not go to sleep.

Jamie and Charlie came back down after a few minutes of resting and we continued with the days events. The thrashing of wrapping paper and the new "choo choos" worked as planned. The real test would be bed time.

We loaded up the car and headed home. Charlie was out like a light before we backed out of the driveway. We arrived at our house and I carried him inside. I laid him in his bed and he immediately woke up. I tried to comfort him and get him to lay down, but he clung to me like a baby monkey. Jamie took him to our bed and he fell back to sleep.

I stayed awake for a while to make sure that Santa got into the house with no problems. After Santa came and dropped the gifts I made my way to our room. I found Charlie sprawled out across our bed like a giant spider in a web. My pillow was covered in his drool and he was snoring like a grown man. Jamie whispered "You might want to sleep downstairs." Apparently Charlie was flopping around like a fish out of water.

I made my way back downstairs to sleep on the couch. I like sleeping on the couch so it was not a big deal for me. I had a pillow that let my head sink right into the middle of it and a blanket that was too short for my body. I had to rotate keeping my feet warm and keeping my torso warm. Luckily it was just a one night ordeal. Four nights later....

Jamie and I have stood with our decision and we have not given the pacifier to Charlie. He looks for it on occasion and mentions the word "bink", but we have only had one serious meltdown over it. The meltdown was not from Charlie, it was Jamie.

I was downstairs watching television after Jamie and Charlie had gone to bed. I heard some rustling above me, but I did not pay attention to it. I then heard footsteps. "Boom, Boom, Boom". Jamie whisper yelled from the top of the stairs "Get me a bink! I can not take it anymore!"

I thought to myself "She needs a Valium not a pacifier." I said "No way!" We have made it through four days there was no way that I was giving Charlie his "bink" back. Charlie, in his light sleep, must have been woken by the whisper yell and he showed up at the top of the steps too. He caught a glimpse of me and started reaching. I went up and laid with him. He snuggled his head against mine and wiped his snot on my shirt. Who could ask for a more precious moment.

I felt bad watching him flop around and puckering his lips as if the pacifier was still in his mouth. I rubbed his back and tried to sneak out of the bed. I underestimated how light his sleep is without the pacifier. He had his arm trap set and I had triggered it. (He keeps his hand on my arm to sense any move that I make while he is sleeping) I saw a little set of drowsy eyes peering at me from behind long eyelashes.

I had no choice, but to return my head to the slobbery pillow. It took me five tries to get away. 

I hope that another full day or so will lessen the craving for the "bink". We all need some sleep. What an anxious event this has been. 

Birthday Boy!

Charlie turned two years old today. It seems like we were just spending our Christmas Eve at the hospital yesterday waiting for his arrival. I have always thought to myself "I can not wait until he can walk, talk and go fishing and hunting with me." Well, he can walk, he is working on talking and soon he will be hunting and fishing with me. Why do they grow up so fast?

We still call Charlie our baby, but he is not quite a baby anymore. He is tall, heavy and independent. He still relies on Jamie and I for most of his needs, but he is picking up new skills and more independence everyday. What happened to that little newborn that just laid around and would cuddle with you all of the time? Now we have a Tasmanian Devil that will not sit still, will not cuddle and practices his wrestling moves when you try to change his diaper. 

This Christmas/ birthday has been a lot of fun. Charlie is quite animated when opening gifts. Everything that he opened was a surprise and he showed the excitement on his face. Everything had to be taken out of the packaging and played with for a minute or two before the next gift was opened. After playing with the new toy it was lined up next to the previous. Charlie is very particular about the placement of his cars, trains and planes. They must be end-to-end or side-by-side and touching each other. He might be a bit of perfectionist.

A lot of people think that having a birthday on or near Christmas Day means that you get less gifts or combined gifts. If you are one of the people that think this, you should see my living room, Charlie's bedroom, the basement and the toy boxes at the grandparent's houses. We have enough toys, books, puzzles, blocks and balls to open a toy store. We should probably place a toy ban on Christmas and birthday next year. I highly doubt that the grandparents would abide by it anyway.

After an exciting several days of visiting family and celebrating the holiday Charlie is exhausted. We have missed a few naps, eaten too many sweets and played until we could not hold our eyes open.

It has been a great year and I hope that 2014 goes a little bit slower. Next year we will have two babies to watch grow up. The older they get, the older I get. 

Happy birthday Charlie!

Merry Christmas to all!

Patience Is A Virtue!

We celebrated Christmas with my mother's side of the family this evening. Our family is growing exponentially every year and we are running out of space. The young children under the age of 12 are rapidly out numbering the adults. 

As we run out of room it is becoming more and more difficult to gather everyone in the same room to open gifts. We began the evening with a prayer from my cousin Molly. She did a great job. We enjoyed a delicious feast and the children played while eagerly awaiting to open gifts. I personally did not hear any nagging or whining to open gifts immediately like I used to do. Our family is quite spread out so I think the kids just enjoy being able to play together and forgot about the excitement that was in store for them.

It was finally time to pass out gifts and the children came running. The older experienced children lead the charge like a herd of sheep. They fell into formation like a company of soldiers.

The children sat patiently waiting for all of the gifts to be distributed. Even Charlie did not rip into his gifts until the signal was given. 

When everyone said "Go" children were immediately lost in a mountain of wrapping paper. One by one little heads popped up with arms raised high holding the treasures that had been opened. Charlie received a bulldozer, a power drill and a flashlight. The favorite was the flashlight.

All of the children enjoyed the gifts that they received. As they gathered their loot and retreated to the basement to play Charlie was handed an early birthday present. It was a bag of Legos. You would have thought that he was given a bag of gold.

Of course he wanted them opened so that he could commence building a tower. I tried to ignore his request to prevent blocks from being scattered everywhere, but he is persistent. Like his mother, he goes around asking everyone until he finds the answer he wants.

I walked into the kitchen to find someone opening the bag of Legos. I whispered "Don't open those. I don't want them to be scattered." The reply was "Charlie is sitting over there waiting for us to open them and play."

I looked over the couch to find Charlie sitting patiently in the floor waiting for his blocks. That little stinker was hiding knowing that I did not want him to dump all of the Legos out. He gets his charm and persuasion from his daddy. He looked up at me and just grinned as to say "Haha. I got what I want, but I'm cute so it is okay."

Christmas is so awesome when you have children. Thank you everyone for everything. Thank you God for my children. Merry Christmas.

Husband of The Year!

I came home to my pregnant wife sitting on the couch folding laundry. Charlie was running around with no shirt on as usual. Charlie was eagerly awaiting my arrival to immediately drag me to the floor to play.

I am usually greeted with a pleasant "Hi. How was your day?" I respond with my usual grunt and "Okay" response and we eat dinner. This evening was different. I don't know if the hormones are kicking or what, but I was greeted by a look from Satan himself. I asked what was wrong and received the typical "She is mad and is not going to tell me why" shoulder shrug and sassy "Nothing."

I knew immediately that I had done something or said something and I had been gone the entire day. After almost 31 years I still have not figured out how I can get into trouble when I have not been home all day. Do women get bored throughout the day and think "I am going to find at least one thing to get mad at him about?" I don't get it. 

I just want to come home to a clean house, dinner on the table, a well dressed child that greets me by saying "Hello Father. I trust that your day was as joyous as mine. Shall we play automobiles and building blocks?", a kiss on the cheek from my wife and clean sheets on my bed. Is that too much to ask for? I get tornado alley, nothing to eat, a half naked child that runs around wildly, a death stare and sheets in the drier.

Disclaimer: This blog is for entertainment. Some of the above statements may only be partially true and most likely, highly exaggerated. 

Disclaimer for my wife: This blog is for entertainment. I love you. Ignore the previous paragraph. You are the best wife and mommy in the universe. Kisses.

After getting settled in and playing with Charlie for a while the wrath began. "I hope that you have clean work clothes because I am not doing your laundry." pierces my ears like a lightning bolt through my brain. I braced myself for impact. I was about to find out what I had done to light the fuse of the unstable compound that we call a "pregnant woman". It was about time. The suspense was killing me.

(I am so dead after Jamie reads this)

I listened to the list of "done wrongs" and acknowledged what she was saying. She was upset because she can not lift heavy stuff and has asked me to take the laundry up and down the stairs for her. I have obviously neglected to perform the task or you would not be reading this right now.

Jamie does have a good reason to be upset. She asks me to take the laundry down when I am standing right next to the basket and I walk right past it even though I clearly heard her and acknowledged the request. I have a short term memory of about 2 seconds. I do not know what is wrong with my brain. Do I use too many brain cells at work that I do not have any room left to store any more information? 

I honestly do not mind helping around the house and doing chores. My brain just does not function in a fashion to remind me of what needs to be completed on the "Honey-do list". Maybe I should make a chore chart with little gold stars?

The clean sheets really were in the drier and Jamie asked me to bring them up before bed. As usual, I said "Okay." I walked to the kitchen to get a drink and by the time that I returned to the living room I had forgotten about the sheets. I am not kidding. If it does not involve numbers I do not remember it. I know all of my debit card numbers, my social security number, many phone numbers, car values, my entire budget and due dates, multiple logins and passwords, but I can not remember to grab the laundry when I walk past it.

I was promptly reminded about the sheets. I brought them up and we dressed the bed. I tucked Charlie and Jamie in and I went back down stairs. I grabbed the remaining laundry and took it to the basement. I even started a load. I then took Jamie's car to get gas for her. Hopefully that makes up for something. 

 My run for Father of the Year is going good. Husband of the Year, not so much. I tried the line "Pregnancy is not a disability." That went over great. You should see how crooked my jaw is now.

$25 of Happiness!

What is the one thing that brings happiness and joy to your life? Maybe it is an item, an event or a person. If I had to choose one thing or person it would be my son. I'm sure that Jamie would say the same.

Charlie has the perfect mixture of Mommy's quirkiness and Daddy's facial expressions. My child lives to make people laugh. Between dancing, telling stories and making funny faces Charlie has the ability to draw the attention of everyone in a room. Once all eyes are on him he has a the ability to hold your attention and keep you waiting for his next performance. He provides hours of entertainment for free.

So what is the one thing that brings joy and happiness to Charlie? Most of you would say "Trains!" That was true until we received a call from Paw-Paw this evening. We often receive calls from Paw-Paw, Nana, Maw-Maw P, Poppy and Mi-Mi saying "I have something for Charlie!" It must be rough being the only grandchild at the moment. 

We arrived at Paw-Paw and Nana's to find a Santa Claus as tall as Charlie moving around and holding Christmas lights. Charlie lit up brighter than Paw-Paw's Christmas tree covered with his beloved jumbo bulbs. Somebody wants to be the Clark Griswold of the neighborhood.

After checking out Santa for a few minutes Charlie began moving him around the room to show him off to everyone. He told Santa all about his elf on the shelf, what he wanted for Christmas and even played the piano with him. I wish that I would have taken video of that. 

The show that we witnessed was the cutest thing that we have ever seen. Who would have thought that a $25 mechanical Santa Claus would have provided so much entertainment. I think that Charlie began to believe that it was a real person. He continued babbling to him and moving him around the room. Santa Claus is currently creepily watching Charlie sleep from the perch of my night stand. I don't know? That's where he wanted him.

A few minutes before we left Paw-Paw and Nana's Charlie knocked Santa over unintentionally. Everyone in the room gasped and said "Uh-oh!" Charlie frantically grabbed Santa to pick him up and return him to his upright position. You could see the terror in Charlie's eyes as they began to well up with tears. He was convinced that he just killed Santa Claus and he was not going to get any presents for Christmas. Charlie began sobbing and buried his face in my shoulder. It was the sweetest yet funny thing I have ever seen. 

You do not realize how sweet and innocent a child is until they knock Santa Claus to the floor. After several minutes of uncontrollable sobbing we were able to reassure Charlie that it was an accident and he would still be on the nice list. What a traumatic experience for a two year old. Santa falling to the floor because you knocked him over a week before Christmas.

Charlie did lay right down for bed tonight since Santa was watching. Maybe I can use this animatronic Santa to my advantage all year. 

Daddy, Fix!

If you read "10 Reasons I Love Being a Father!" you now know that Daddy (that's me) is expected to be able to fix anything. My specialty is locomotive power engineering. In layman terms I replace batteries in toy trains.

Charlie's pride and joy is this little guy.

It is a powered wood train locomotive. It is self propelled, whistles and makes track click-clack sounds. If Charlie was preparing for a nuclear fallout and could only take one item, it would be this toy.

Once it is turned on Charlie does not turn it off. He lets it go until the battery runs completely out. When the battery dies the shouts of distress start. "Daddy, fix! Daddy, fix!"

We went through a 16 pack of AAA batteries in a few short days and I have not been to the store for a while to get more. For the past week I have heard "Daddy, fix!" atleast 137,458 times. I have had to come up with explanations, act like I was trying to repair the train and hide it so that he would forget about it until we got more batteries. I should invest in Energizer and Duracell. Whoever said Energizers keep going and going was not in contact with the designer of this power guzzling train.

After about a week of not being able to "fix" the train, Daddy is going to be a hero in the morning. I talked to Clyde the elf before he went back to the North Pole tonight and he came back with a surprise. It looks like a pack of AAA batteries to me.

Since Charlie has been a good boy, Santa sent an early gift. I hope that I remember to take video when he opens this package. Charlie will flip his flip when he sees what is inside.

10 Reasons I Love Being a Father!

Being a father is the best job in the world. A father knows how to fix anything, defeat the bad guys, save the day, make boo-boos feel better, make all of the character voices in books and build cool stuff out of nothing.

Here is why I love being a father.

1: My child's love for me is genuine. He loves me for who I am and the love that I show him.

2: I get to be a kid again. I can play with Legos and trains and no one says anything because I have a child.

3: He wants to be like me and do everything that I do. I am his number one role model.

4: I have a welcoming committee at the door when I get home from work.

5: Bad days are made better by a simple smile or "Yuv Yu."

6: I am the strongest, funniest and nicest person in the world. Atleast he thinks so.

7: I make a boo-boo feel better by simply rubbing my hands together Mr. Miagi style and applying a bit of pressure to the "wound".

8: I get to see my personality through my child's actions.

9: I wake up on occasion to find a little head snuggled next to mine. Mommy wanted to cuddle with Charlie, but he chose to cuddle with me.

10: Charlie can say "Daddy" and I can read his mind. I know what he wants just by the tone in his voice. That is something that only a Father knows.

I do not remember what life was like before having Charlie. Everything that I do is for him. I want him to be happy, safe and proud to call me his father. 

I can not wait to see how this list changes when Ella arrives. I have a feeling that little princess will have me wrapped around her little tiny finger.

I'm a Princess!

Today has been a day full of excitement. Mike Ditka had his jersey retired, I received some great news at work and the Bengals have moved to third place in the AFC! Oh, and we found out that we are having a girl! As soon as the ultrasound tech touched Jamie's abdomen with the ultrasound doohickey I could tell it was a girl. 

Jamie cried, my mom squealed and I slapped Jamie on the butt and told her good job. Charlie and I need to crank up our manliness. Our house is no longer controlled by testosterone. 

Camella "Ella" Lee is a squirmey little thing. She was bouncing and twirling all around Jamie's uterus today. I could already here her saying "I'm a princess Daddy." I thought that I had my hands full with a rambunctious boy. What am I going to do with a bunch of rambunctious boys coming to my door to pickup my baby girl? Daddy just found a great reason to buy a new gun!

My mother always says that Charlie being so wild is my payback. I was a teenage boy once and now I have to believe that teenage boys chasing my daughter is going to be my payback. Turtle necks and ankle length skirts with wool leggings underneath will be the only approved wardrobe for my princess.

All of Jamie's joking about me finding my daughter's thong in the laundry just flashed before my eyes as a possible reality. I just found three gray hairs in my beard. They were not there this morning. Oh Heavenly Father, please have mercy on my soul. 

Charlie is about to be promoted to big brother. Literally, "Big Brother". He will be sent on missions to hover over his little sister and ward off any threatening sharks. He is authorized to growl, snarl and grunt as a warning. If the perpetrator lays a finger on my sweet innocent princess Charlie is authorized to bend, break or disfigure them.

All of that is still a few years away. For now I just need to worry about how to properly where a boa for tea parties, how to lace ballet shoes and get sparkles off of my face. Hopefully she just wants to hunt and fish.

Is that an Elf or a Goblin!

Charlie is always acting silly. He has quite the imagination. He can be an elephant, monkey, lion, Santa Claus or anything else you ask him to imitate.

I am not sure what he was trying to be here, but it is cute as heck. 

Is he an elf, a goblin or a Christmas monkey.

It is a bit creepy. Could you imagine this running around your house making babbling noises? My child might be an alien!

No matter what he was pretending to be he did it to make us laugh. I love this kid.

Charlie The Snowman!

The first major snowfall of the year arrived today. I love snow! I like to drive in it with the threat of my wheels losing traction and sending me into a fish tail. I have to keep my driving skills honed. I love shoveling the driveway and building snowmen.

Charlie has not had the chance to really get out and play in the snow until today. I came home early and completed my work to avoid the drivers that freak out when they see a snow flake. I did not complete my work until 6pm and by then it was dark. I couldn't resist the urge to go play, but I knew that someone would want to go with me.

Jamie warned me that when it was time to come in my mini me would throw a tantrum. I just shrugged it off and proceeded to bundle him up.

Don't worry, he has two other pairs of pants on under the sweats. He was bundled well.

We went to the garage so that I could bundle myself up and Charlie could not wait to get outside. I opened the door and he ran to the edge of the snow. He took two steps into the snow and froze in his tracks. It was up to his knees and he could barely move. I shoveled a trail for him to walk through and he was good-to-go.

Charlie decided that it was his turn to shovel so I handed it over. He is a great helper. He doesn't move large amounts of snow, but it gives 100%. He did his best to clear the sidewalk.

In an effort to get my shovel back I began cleaning the snow off of the car. The plan worked and Charlie followed me. He did a great job cleaning off Mommy's car.

Yes, that is duct tape holding his gloves on. Well, actually, my gloves. I could not find Charlie's. Duct tape is not just for Christmas lights.

After several minutes of snow blowing in our face I told Charlie it was time to go inside. Everything was fine until I opened the door and set him down. You would have thought that I just told him that Santa Claus put him on the naughty list. He cried like I have never heard him cry before. He was climbing over me trying to go back outside.

I stripped his wet clothes off and left him with Jamie so that I could do some real damage to the snow on the driveway. I finished shoveling and attempted to build a snowman, but the snow is a dry powder right now. I felt bad for breaking my child's heart, but it was too cold for him to stay outside. I guess that I will be buying a sled soon.

Popovers!

I was rummaging through my pantry this evening looking for a snack. Nothing that I saw really made my mouth water. As I was searching I took note of the available ingredients in case I decided to make something.

I kept coming back to the brown sugar and cinnamon. I searched for something that included these ingredients and came across a recipe for popovers.

Popovers are typically made in one big dish, but I decided to make personal popovers. It was a great call on my part. Here is the recipe for you to try your own. This recipe makes 12 muffin size popovers. Don't stuff yourself. Please let me know how yours turn out. Enjoy!

Ingredients needed:

3 Eggs

1 cup of milk

1 Cup of all purpose flour

1/3 cup of brown sugar

1 1/2 Tablespoons of cinnamon

2 teaspoons of vanilla

4 Ounces of softened cream cheese

3 Tablespoons of butter

3 Tablespoons of sugar

Step 1: Pre-heat the oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit.

Step 2: Divide the butter evenly into the muffin pan(s). Place the pans in the oven to melt the butter.

Step 3: In a medium mixing bowl beat or whisk the cup of milk, 3 eggs, 2 tsp of vanilla and 1/3 cup of brown sugar. Once mixed, whisk in cup of flour and 1 1/2 tablespoons of cinnamon. Whisk until batter is even and smooth.

Step 4: Pour batter into muffin pans evenly. Each slot should be about 3/4 full.

Step 5: Place 4 ounces of cream cheese into microwave safe bowl or cup and soften. 30-45 seconds should soften enough to stir. Add 3 tablespoons of sugar to the cream cheese and stir.

Step 6: Place a dollop of cream cheese/ sugar mix in each muffin slot on top of batter. The cream cheese will sink into batter.

Step 7: Place pan(s) in the oven for 5 minutes then reduce heat to 350 degrees Fahrenheit and bake for an additional 20 minutes.

Step 8: Remove from oven and let cool. 

I had some cream cheese/ sugar mix left over and topped my popovers after they cooled. 

Enjoy!

Holiday Trains!

We went to the Cincinnati Museum Center Sunday to see the holiday train display. Charlie thought that we were visiting Heaven. The boy loves trains. He eats, sleeps and lives for trains. Most people talk in their sleep. Charlie makes train noises. 

When he eats, there is a train on the table. When he sleeps, there is a train tucked in his arm. When he is awake, there is a train in his hand. I like trains too, but my child is obsessed.

We had so much fun seeing the awe on his face. We made our way through the display. Very slowly, of course. A random "choo choo" here and a "chugga chugga" there. Here a train, there a train, everywhere a "click-clack-clang". Charlie is a walking sound machine.

We reached the end of the display and, but to my wandering eyes did appear? A jolly old man and two fake reindeer. Charlie stopped in his tracks and let out a "Ho ho ho". It was the big man himself. This was not your typical mall elf posing as Santa. This was the real Santa himself.

Charlie spent a minute admiring from a distance, but soon approached Santa for a quick picture. Santa said that he had to go feed the reindeer, but he would be back in 15 minutes. He must not have realized how close he was to Kentucky or he would not have left his deer unattended at this time of year.

I took Charlie to play with some trains while Jamie jumped in the line for pictures with Santa. A few minutes later Santa returned and Jamie was the first in line. Charlie went right to Santa's lap. I guess that he had been thinking about what he wanted for Christmas because Santa said "He keeps telling me choo choo." The boy knows what he wants.

Clyde Arrived!

Clyde just showed up and he has made himself right at home. I just keep telling myself, "Only 24 more days." Clyde is one mischievous elf. He has quite an appetite too. Charlie better be good.

Stringing Up the Lights!

The wife has always asked me "Are you going to put up Christmas lights when we have babies?" My answer has always been "NO!" I assisted my father with Christmas lights many times. It was never easy, but it was a vocabulary lesson.

Last year I heard a mention or two about Christmas lights being strung on the house. I shrugged it off and drove to the nearest house with a ton of lights to satisfy the photo optic need.

I received a call today from my lovely wife with a request to put up some lights. It just so happens that she was in the Christmas decor aisle. She began rambling about where she wants lights and the type that she was looking at. I tried to just shrug it off again, but this time I was trapped. She pulled the Charlie card. 

I could hear Charlie in the background saying "Yites! Yites!" Dang it! My son is way too smart and observant to get out of this one. If she didn't put the lights in the cart Charlie would throw a fit. Jamie knew what she was doing. She said "Charlie picked out the colorful lights. How many should I get?" Uhhhhh! "Get the icecicle lights and a few for the bushes."

The worst part about the whole light fiasco is that she wanted the lights put up today. I knew that Charlie would be on her side too. I came home from work and I was met by my child showing me the "Yites!" I just sighed.

I ate dinner, changed my clothes and headed outside. Did I mention that it was seven o'clock, dark and 30 degrees Fahrenheit? Not the ideal light hanging conditions.

I opened the lights and strung a few around the bushes. The more that I looked at it the more I realized this would require a bit of effort. Why did I not just take the hillbilly route and put them up in the summer and leave them up all year?

I grabbed the ladder, a few wire ties and of course Kentucky's number one fix-all, duct tape. I put the ladder up and my hands instantly froze. I had snot running down my face and freezing in my mustache. Fingers would not function and I didn't even have a plan yet. I felt like Clark Griswold.

I put my gloves on and taped up the unused end of the strand. Gloves and duct tape do not mix. The gloves came off to allow for a bit of dexterity. I covered the end and headed up the ladder. I threw the strand on the roof and began stringing up the lights. The neighbors sat at the stop sign for longer than normal. I can only imagine what they were saying to themselves.

I hung the icecicle lights, but they are not typical icecicles. They are strands off of strands. The strands were bundled tightly and not falling and straightening like the picture showed. I had to bend 50 strands of wire to make them resemble something hanging from the gutter. Now I know why Dad was always so colorful while hanging lights. Have you ever heard a Christian man cuss on Christmas? I would have, but my tongue was frozen to my teeth.

I reluctantly continued to work. One hand frozen to the ladder, chords everywhere and duct tape wrapped around everything. I could see Charlie's little face peering over the windowsill. He looked warm and toasty. I waved and smiled and pretended to be happy. Jamie stuck her head out of the door and said "Are you hanging the lights with duct tape." I said no, but I am going to be busted in the morning.

I completed the icecicles and Jamie bundled up Charlie to bring him out and show him the lights. Seeing that child light up brighter than the house over one strand of lights made it worth it. After that I applied a little more effort to my work. I pulled the lights off of the bushes and hung them around the window. I was securing the lights with my magical fasteners when I set the roll of tape on the ladder. I leaned forward to secure a strand and heard a rustle in the bush. I pushed my tape off of the ladder and into the middle of a holly bush. If you are not familiar, holly bushes have thorns.

Shivering and frozen I slid down the ladder and into the bush. I dug for the tape for a few minutes and finally found it. Right in the heart of the shrubbery. It was a good thing that my arm was frozen or might have experienced some pain.

I finally finished the project and was pretty proud of myself. I have a feeling that this is just the starter kit. I am sure that Charlie will want more lights next year. I might just decorate the inside of the house next year. Hopefully this is enough for a while.

Elf on the Shelf!

I made our Elf on the Shelf calendar today. As I was filling in the days I began to run out of ideas. I am fairly creative and did not think that this task would be that hard. I had to look for a bit of inspiration about halfway through. I do not like to take other people's ideas and claim them as my own, but I needed to get the brain fluid flowing.

After about 15 minutes of surfing the web the ideas started coming to me. Luckily I did not have to copy anyone's ideas. I am sure that some of my ideas are similar to others, but that is because great minds think alike. A few naughty ideas came to mind, but I had to remind myself that this is for the children.

I have decided to share my calendar with you incase you need some ideas too. Feel free to use any of these ideas or print and use my entire calendar. 

I would like to see your Elf in action. Send your mischievous elf pictures to hoppyshow@gmail.com. By submitting your pictures you are consenting to me posting them on the Hoppy Show blog, Vlog and Facebook fan page.
 



Click the calendar to see the full size image

Have fun and good luck. Please let me know if you come up with some really good Elf ideas.



 

I'm tired of being an elephant!

Ever since we went to the circus Charlie has been in love with elephants. They are big and cool and they make an awesome sound. Stuffed, plastic, on television or in a picture, it does not matter. When Charlie sees it, he instantly loves it and lets out his perfect elephant trumpet. 

As soon as I come home from work Charlie tries to pull me onto the floor so that he can jump on my back and imagine that I am an elephant. He jumps on me like he is a trick rider and throws his arms in the air and waves to the audience. The only audience is typically Jamie, but Charlie acts like he is really in the circus. That kid has one huge imagination. He grabs my shirt and pulls up in an effort to make me do tricks. A simple raise of my arm is usually enough for him to let out a screechy giggle.

After several minutes of crawling around on the floor with a two year old on my back my knees get sore and my back begins to hurt. I am too old for this stuff, but how do I tell my son no. He would not listen anyway. He is the most persistent child in the world. I try flying him around over my head, but that hurts my shoulders. I don't have the most healthy joints after years of football and wrestling.

Thank goodness Paw-Paw has come to the rescue. No, Paw-Paw does not get in the floor and pretend to be an elephant. He bought a great substitute though.

This little guy has saved me from sore muscles and bruised knees. Charlie can sit on it, flip over it and make him do tricks. He is also light enough that Charlie can take him anywhere. It is a tight squeeze trying to get him in the crib though. Don't worry, I don't shove this thing in the bed with him. He would love to sleep on it though. 

I always wondered what kids dream about. Now I know. My child dreams about feeding apples to elephants. How do I know? Charlie rolled over the other night while sleeping, trumpeted like an elephant, said "Apple!" and giggled. I just hope that he does not start sleep walking like an elephant. That would be freaky to wake up to in the middle of the night.

Pregnancy Update!

Saturday marked week 13 of our pregnancy. We found out very early which makes the time pass very slowly.

At our last ultrasound (10 weeks) we were lucky enough to capture a little action. Watch closely. This baby is quick. Like Jackie Chan quick.

This child is going to be in the UFC or a great soccer player. 

Jamie was feeling terrible through the first trimester, but she is much better now. The morning sickness has subsided and she has a bit more energy. This pregnancy has been the complete opposite of her pregnancy with Charlie. Could she be carrying Daddy's little girl?

We will be finding out the sex around Thanksgiving. I sure hope that it is a girl because we still can not agree on a boy name. Any suggestions?

Everyone seems to love the girl name. It is very rare. We are naming a girl after Jamie's great grandma. Any guesses before the reveal?

Fall Photos!

We spent the day in Lexington visiting family and having our Fall pictures made. We just had a few studio shots taken, mostly of Charlie. I did not get to see all of the final prints because Charlie was too busy running into the Salon to check out the chicks, but what I did see was adorable. We should have the pictures later in the week. 

While we were at the mall Charlie was led to the new Disney section by Paw Paw Lynn. Hmmm...I wonder how that turned out? You are correct. Armfuls of toys and clothes. My child is way too spoiled. Thank goodness we are having a second. Maybe the spoiling will be a little more spread out? I doubt it.

Have you ever seen a 22 month old that puts down his toys to try on his new clothes?

Charlie received two fire trucks, an airplane and a helicopter when we walked through the door today. We left the mall with six cars, a puzzle, a stuffed dinosaur, a vest, hat and two shirts. I am going to need a bigger house to have room for all of this child's clothes and toys.

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Apple!

We spent Saturday evening at Kinman Farms thanks to our local Remax office. They offered us free tickets for customer appreciation.

We enjoyed a hay ride, music, a jungle gym and of course, pumpkins. Charlie was excited to see all of the "apples" spread across the field. 

We tried and tried to get him to say pumpkin, but all he was worried about was how many "apples" he could carry home.

The poor kid did not have as many arms as his excitement wanted. We spent 30 minutes trying to find the perfect "apples". Who new a 21 month old could be that picky. Definitely my child.

We spent Friday night at Babies R Us picking out the boots you see in the picture above. Those boots have not left Charlie's feet since we first purchased them. Checking out at the store was an ordeal. Thank God the scanner has a long cord. He was not giving up his dinosaur boots for anything.

We asked if he wanted monster trucks or dinosaurs and this is the face we got in return. No words had to be spoken.

We had a great weekend. Charlie got new boots, a bunch of "apples" and we helped Grams with some yard work.

Maybe next weekend we can take the boots off and wash his feet. Wish us luck. 

Pregnancy: Week 7

Monday will be pregnancy week number 7. Jamie has been feeling terrible. The HCG counts have been great! We had an ultrasound at week 5 day 5 and the baby was 0.25 centimeters long. 0.25 centimeters! That is 1/3 the length of a grain of rice. We could see the heartbeat clearly on the ultrasound. Baby "X" looked like a lightning bug.

The little round dot that you see at the tip of the arrow is the baby. It is amazing how you can love a little dot so much. When we first saw Charlie he already had arms and legs and was bouncing around in the womb. It is so awesome that we have been able to see baby "X" twice already and we are only 7 weeks along.

Jamie wakes up every morning with nausea and it seems to last all day. I don't remember her being this sick with Charlie. Could this baby be a girl? What is your guess? Girl or boy?

Baby "X" may just have the designation of baby "X" since we can not seem to agree on names. We already used the one name that we both liked. Jamie likes Wyatt for a boy. I prefer William. Jamie always wanted to name a girl Shelby. It finally grew on me and now she is not sure if she likes it. Women and their ever changing minds. Maybe I should start an eBay auction for "Name my kid". The highest bidder gets to name baby "X".

Be sure to subscribe to The Hoppy Show so that you do not miss our pregnancy updates.

Expanding!

Over the past few days Jamie has been feeling very tired and somewhat nauseous. I have been joking around saying that she was pregnant and that it is going to be a girl. I did not give it too much serious thought as it took four years to conceive Charlie.

 

When Jamie was pregnant with Charlie I had to force her to take a pregnancy test due to the all of the prior let downs. Since the "blah" feeling was staying consistent over the past several days, Jamie decided that it might be time to take a pregnancy test. She did what she needed to do to perform the test and within 2 seconds she was yelling for me to come see. The lines were prominent immediately.  

                        We are having baby number two!

We are both very excited and surprised. How did this happen? Well, I know how it happened, but we went through so many struggles the first time. I think that converting the spare bedroom into my office had something to do with it.

Charlie is super excited to be a big brother. He will be a great big brother too. He is very loving and helpful already. There is the possibility of twins. I don't know what I will do if there are two little peanuts cooking in there. What if it is twin girls? I will be doomed. Charlie and I will be out-numbered.

We go Tuesday for an ultrasound. I will update you on the findings. Wish us luck.
 

They Got Me Again!

Last night we decided to take a little drive and visit a few stores to kill some time. We were on our way to Target when Jamie pointed out Jack's Pets and said that we should take Charlie there to see some animals. We continued to Target and decided to stop at Jack's afterwards.

We walked into the pet store and Charlie was immediately amused by the hampsters that were pressing their noses to the glass. He was very excited letting out belly laughs and loud "Ohhhhhhhs!" We made our way to the rats, rabbits and ferrets where Charlie became more and more excited by the interaction of the animals.

Charlie loved the snakes at the zoo so I looked for more to show him, but they did not have any. The lizards were all hiding and most of the mice were asleep. There were a few mice spinning each other on a wheel. Charlie was not impressed.

We moved onto the aquariums which were littered with many colorful fish. Charlie stared at the fish as if he were hypnotized. Jamie and I were discussing the pricing on the aquarium sets and how we might like to have an aquarium for Charlie when he is older.

Now, when Jamie starts talking about how something might be nice to have in the future, it usually means, the very near future. As in, before we leave the store. Now that we have Charlie, she uses him to speed up the process of me opening my wallet.

Before I could say "Not today.", Jamie was already around the corner talking to the associate about all of the supplies that we would need for some fish. I was done. All I could do now was keep the spending to a minimum. In about two minutes my arms were filled with an aquarium, fish food, water treatment chemical, a net and ofcourse, fish.

As I said, it was done. This stuff was going home with us. I might as well pick out the fish that I like. Charlie picked red and blue and I chose the healthiest looking fish. We purchased two beta fish since our aquarium has a divider. Dora and Diego became our two newest family members.

Charlie was tired by the time that we got home and the excitement had worn off, but it was like Christmas when he came down this morning and saw those two beautiful fish sitting on the table.

My pockets are empty, but my child is happy and that makes it worth every penny.

Old MacDonald!

For most of my life I lived on a farm. After living in a subdivision for several years, I really miss the country. I miss the smell of the cows, the sound of the tractor and mostly the peace and quiet when you sat out on the porch. Now all I hear is cars going up and down the street all day and night, kids screaming, dogs yipping and yapping and the neighbors playing basketball at 12:30 am.

I want a place of my own where I can go out and hop on the ATV and rip and run through the woods. I want to wake up in the morning and feed the cows. I would love to be able to jump on a bulldozer and dig a hole in my back yard if I chose too. I miss having the space and freedom to do what I want when I want.

Growing up I spent most of my non-working time in the woods near the creek. We would build shelters out of the materials that were around us. We would build dams in an effort to divert the stream. We made traps and nets to catch fish in the creek. I want the same for my son. I want to teach him about nature and surviving. I want him to appreciate the plants and animals. I want him to hear the creek running over the rocks and creating a gentle, yet peaceful rumble.

I can not wait to move back to the country. It is in my five year plan. Do you miss anything about your childhood or where you grew up?

Army Graduation

Good Morning

Road Trip!

We took a little trip to Fort Jackson to pickup my brother-in-law from basic training. Typically on road trips, Jamie and I have little spats about random stuff. I am the designated driver and Jamie is the self proclaimed navigator. Jamie is always quick to let me know that she would have chosen a different route of travel or she would be traveling at a different speed. "Really woman? You can't find your phone on a daily basis!" I can't help but love her.

We woke up at "Oh God Early" this morning to begin our trip. The plan was to load up the last minute items and then load Charlie while he was still asleep. Errrr! Charlie must have heard the rustling going on and he jumped up like a dog that heard someone say "Squirrel!" "Are you serious child? It is 5:45am." 

I am not a morning person. I am not even a mid-morning person. I like to stay up late and sleep until 11am. My vocabulary in the morning is equivalent to a 2 year old caveman's. I speak in grunts and groans. It drives Jamie crazy. I am not being mean. My brain just does not function until a certain time.

This morning was terrible for me. I was awake way before I should have been, Charlie woke up way too early and I actually had to function. We made a pact last night that we would not have any stupid spats for the entire trip. It was 6:45am and we had been on the road for 2 minutes before that pact went right out the window. The worst part is that it wasn't even about something that mattered. It was about where the soldier that is accused of murdering innocent people in Afghanistan lives. 

I want to make it clear that Jamie and I love each other very much. We do not just look for things to debate. These car ride spats are not knock down, drag out, voice raising fights. They are always about stupid stuff. I forgot ranch for the chicken nuggets, I am driving in the wrong lane or we disagree on where someone we do not even know lives.

After a few minutes of disagreeing on where this random guy lived we looked at each other like "Did we just have that conversation?" We laughed it off and continued our trip. I grunted and told Jamie that she could not talk to me before 10am. She told me that I could not talk for the entire trip. The rest of the ride went great. Let's see how the ride home goes.

Chuck-en-dale!

I am convinced that Charlie is going to be an exoctic dancer. The boy will hear any rhythmic beat and break out in dance. He is quite the showmen. He prefers to show off his moves from an elevated venue such as the couch, a chair or table. The biggest clue to his future career is his eagerness to disrobe.

I know that most children prefer to run around in their diaper, but my child takes it to the next level. He really works the room while he is in the buff. He puts in a request for music and he gets to work. He starts out in a widened stance, he wiggles his booty and brings in hand gestures as if he is calling in the ladies.

Once he feels the rhythm he begins to let it rip. He bobs his head, spins in circles, jumps around to show off his physical attributes and finds a stage. He incorporates many different moves that he has developed over the last 18 months of his life. It is quite a show.

Charlie uses many different costumes for his performance. The costumes range from a bucket on his head to the couch armrest cover. His favorite costume is the fire helmet. Here are a few examples.

 You can not help, but laugh and enjoy the entertainment. I just hope that he does not decide to start his own revue. Lord, please let him be a doctor or lawyer or musician.

Fearless!

If I do not have a stroke by the time that I am 40 it will be a miracle. My child has absolutely no fear, except for small dogs. He climbs anything that he can get his little knee or foot on for leverage. He hangs his body over any ledge. He even tries to go down the pool slide in the deep end with no flotation devices.

Our summer activities have revealed that Charlie loves swimming. He will typically stay on the steps where he can sit and play with his toys however, he occasionally gets an itch to jump up and try to jump into the pool. This is not a big deal when he has his flotation gear on, but his mischievous ideas come to him when he is not geared up.

He has been very good about not running by the pool and keeping his distance form the edge. Yesterday, not so much. He was quietly playing on the steps next to Mommy when he made his way out of the water and over to me about 4 feet away. He made a gesture as if he was going to jump into my arms in the shallow end when he darted for the slide. I am no Michael Phelps, but I can swim relatively fast. Relative to Charlie's running speed. I made my way to the slide in an effort to keep him from taking a plunge. He threw his leg over the edge of the slide and tried to slide down. I am now in the deep end of the pool, treading water, trying to hang on the edge all while holding Charlie on the slide.

I asked for help from the four other adults watching this take place, but I guess that they were all too comfortable to come to the rescue. Maybe they could not hear me since I was nearly drowning while performing my acrobatic skills? I did hear my mother say "Let him slide in." What? Let him slide in? It is 10 feet deep! Of course this was one of the moments that he was not geared up to float or I would have let him slide in.

I tried as hard as I could to keep Charlie on the slide while someone came to get him, but it was no use. I let him slide in. I caught him by the waist and raised my arms. The weight pushed me under water until I could kick my way back to the top. Luckily Charlie never went under. He thought it was great and wanted to do it again. I reached the side of the pool and expelled the water from my mouth and nose while holding firmly on to my child.

I made my way back to the steps with Charlie's arms wrapped around my neck like a baby Chimpanzee (read Clingon!). He was happy that he went down the slide, but upset that I would not let him do it again. I don't think that I would have made it through round 2. I was not cut out to be a life guard.