As usual I try to lighten the mood by being a smarta#% or making jokes. I embarrassed my poor wife when the nurse was asking about metallic objects in or on her body prior to going in the MRI machine.
The nurse asked "Do you have a rectal thermometer in your bottom?"
I could not pass up this perfect opportunity to make everyone in the room pee their pants. I quickly blurted out "No, but she keeps a few batteries up there."
I thought Jamie was going to die. The nurse burst into laughter and the poor paramedic student did not know wether to laugh or leave the room then laugh. Success! Another audience pleased by my performance.
Jamie went back for the scan and the nurse asked if I needed anything. Several things came to mind.
1. Wifi connection
2. Some Reese's Cups
3. A chocolate milk
4. Sleep
I replied with number 3, chocolate milk. She said the cafeteria would not be open for another one and a half hours. I said "S#%t! i love the hospitals chocolate milk." I settled for a Coke and returned to the room to wait on Jamie. As I was walking back I heard "The baby is falling out again!" Another perfect setup that I could not let slip away. I told myself to just keep walking, but I could not let it go. I blurted out "Get a plunger and push it back up!" Another audience pleased. This time I got the clerk, the security guard, a doctor and a patient. Her baby almost fell out from laughing so hard.
With nothing else to do to pass the time I decided to test out the functions of the hospital bed. I spread out the stirrups and set my feet. I began to pretend that I was in the space shuttle preparing for take-off. People were walking by, but no one paid attention to the random guy in the birthing triage room by himself.
I continued to explore the other tools and monitors in the room. Still, no one paid any attention. It was not until I was laid back with my feet in the stirrups and the fetal monitors on my stomach that anyone said anything.
The nurse poked her head in and said "I'm just going to close the door." Score for me! Another satisfied client of the "what in the H-E-double hockey sticks is this guy doing" club.
I love the hospital. The people here see all kinds of crazy things that they do not even ask questions. They just close the doors.
